Q & A with THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE! Brought to you by Greg Wright Far too few people know about the existence of THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE, and still fewer have elected to benefit from his wisdom. THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE lives in a book-filled ivory tower, deep below the surface of the earth. He permits only select visitors, but I have been lucky enough to be on his guest list. After negotiations and a hefty cash settlement, he has agreed to let me spread his powerful wisdom. If you have a question that’s been nagging you, please feel free to send it in, and I’ll ask him for you and put it on the website, provided that the answer is somehow funny. E-mail me at wrightg2@msu.edu today … or whenever you think of a clever question. In the meantime, take a gander at my previous chit-chat with THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE, so you can see for yourself just how smarty his pants really are. * * * * GW: "I suppose we should start off with one question the whole world wants to know: ‘What is the meaning of life?’" SMA: "Hah! Trying to zing me right away, eh? That’s easy. The meaning of ‘life’: a noun that signifies 1) the sequences of physical and mental experiences that make up the existence of an individual, 2) the spiritual—" GW: "No, no! I mean the philosophical meaning of life. Why have we been put on earth? What purpose do our lives serve?" SMA: "Oh, that meaning of life. I realize that any one answer is too subjective for everyone, but I’ll try my best." GW: "Hit me with your best shot. Fire away." SMA: "People were put on earth to limit the world’s ostrich population. Before humans, ostriches were in danger of overpopulating and destroying all life. Not to mention they’re ugly. Have you ever seen an ostrich up close? Hideous." * * * * GW: "Hey, wait a minute. Why is the smartest person alive a man? What are the implications for sexual equality? And what do the chicks think of this?" SMA: "I never said I was the smartest person alive. I’m THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE. Nobody claimed there aren’t women who are smarter than me. There just aren’t any men smarter, which, well, isn’t saying much." GW: "What you mean? *Grunt!* *Snort!* Me testosterone-swollen brain can’t handle all those word-things! Must go smash things now." SMA: "Smash pies. Them are most funner-est." * * * * GW: "Here’s an oldy but a decenty. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" SMA: "Tree in the forest, huh? Boy, that’s a stumper … Get it? Stumper!" GW: "You don’t know, do you?" SMA: "What I want to know is where’s the forest ranger? Shouldn’t he be around? That tree could’ve fallen on somebody! A forest fire could’ve started! Good God, my taxes are paying to preserve this forest, and these stupid rangers aren’t even there? I ought to go down to that friggin’ forest. They’ll hear me all right!" GW: "If you can’t answer, just say so." SMA: "It’s all an environmentalist plot! Bulldoze the whole forest right now! That eliminates the threat of falling trees and their wretched noise pollution once and for all!" GW: "That’s about enough." SMA: "I say we form an action group—" GW: "Just shut up." SMA: "Okay." * * * * GW: "I’ve wondered this since I was little. Are there intelligent beings on other planets?" SMA: "Using my extensive knowledge of electronics and some spare parts I found in the dumpster outside of NASA, I’ve constructed equipment capable of contacting other planets." GW: "And what have you found? Have you communicated with other lifeforms?" SMA: "I’ll put it this way: if there are lifeforms out there, they don’t accept collect calls." * * * * GW: "I’m redecorating my living room. What color should my couch pillows be?" SMA: "Mauve." GW: "Damn, you are good." * * * * GW: "In the checkout line, the always ask: Paper or plastic? Paper bags are biodegradable, but, on the other hand, plastic bags don’t lead to deforestation. What do you think?" SMA: "Plastic bags. All the way. No question." GW: "Whoa, why? Explain." SMA: "Well, how could a paper bag cut off air flow to the lungs? Plus, paper is too easy to rip. Plastic clings to the victim’s mouth." GW: "What the hell? Bags for groceries! What are you talking about, you sick bastard?" SMA: "Oh, that’s what I was talking about. Groceries. Plastic. Yeah, yeah." GW: "This makes no sense! Are you crazy?" SMA: "Calm down, my friend. Here’s why. Look, look. I printed the answer at the bottom of this plastic bag. Just stick your head in there and take a good, close look…" * * * * GW: "Some folks have expressed concern that your dizzying intellect might somehow be used to hurt those of us who are less intelligent than you. Have you ever considered using your brain for evil purposes, like taking over the world or something?" SMA: "What good would that do me?" GW: "Well, you’d rule the world, get everything you ever wanted." SMA: "I’m THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE! I already use my dizzying intellect to get everything I could ever possibly want." GW: "Still, have you considered a career in evil? Global domination looks good on a résumé." SMA: "Okay, fine. People of earth, hear me! I, Simon Futzbucker, THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE, declare myself rule of the entire world! You are my eternal slaves! See? Doesn’t really change anything." GW: "Your real name’s Simon Futzbucker? Ha ha! What a stupid name!" SMA: "Shut up, slave." * * * * GW: "My family always says this. Is blood really thicker than water?" SMA: "What the hell do you want to know that for? Are you making some sort of pagan soup?" GW: "No, I just always heard that, and I wanted to know if it’s true." SMA: "Next, you’ll want to know if human flesh tastes like chicken." GW: "Well?" SMA: "Oh, gross, you’re serious! Fine, yes, blood is thicker than water, and, no, human flesh does not taste like chicken. It tastes kind of like pork." * * * * GW: "Every year, one of the biggest environmental issues is the greenhouse effect. How should we take care of the ozone layer?" SMA: "I’ve pitched this idea to the president’s cabinet several times, but it seems like they actually want us to go to hell in a handbasket." GW: "Yes? Yes? The world must know how to stop this catastrophic problem." SMA: "I recommend that the world’s leaders hold a week-long conference at the South Pole to patch the hole in the ozone layer." GW: "But they’ve discussed this issue for years. How can one more conference help?" SMA: "The conference is irrelevant. With Antarctica’s cold air, and the politicians being full of hot air, they’ll float up like balloons and plug the hole for us. Problem solved." GW: "I can see why the president didn’t go for this idea…" SMA: "Yeah, he’s tired of going to international conferences." * * * * GW: "Here’s a question from Eric Gregory of Troy, MI. Eric asks ‘What is that big white thing in the can of beans?’ Do tell." SMA: "Yo’ mama." GW: "Did you understand the question? He wants to know what it is." SMA: "Yo’ mama." GW: "Okay, I can see you clearly aren’t taking this question with the full intellectual seriousness it deserves. *sigh* In any case, whose mama? His or mine?" SMA: "Yo’ mama." * * * * GW: "Our global community gets smaller every day, and yet there are still wars and so much violence. How can we achieve world peace and ensure it for the future?" SMA: "Kill everyone else in the whole world. That’s peace. Then you can finally take a nap. Every time I nap, somebody calls. Never fails." * * * * GW: "I love bizarre phenomena, like hypnotism. Can you explain how hypnotism works?" SMA: "Of course, but you don’t want to know." GW: "Actually, I really do…" SMA: "As a matter of fact, you don’t. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You cannot resist. You don’t want to know." GW: "I don’t want to know…" SMA: "You want to eat a whole can of lard. GW: "I want to eat a whole can of lard." SMA: "When I count backwards from three, you will awake. You won’t remember what took place, and you’ll compliment me nonstop. Ready? Three … two … one." GW: "Wow, you’re looking great today! I like your hair! Hey, I’m really hungry…" * * * * GW: "Here’s a question that’s bothered me for years. Why do old people smell that way?" SMA: "The simple answer is that, as the body ages, it goes through many chemical changes. The odor you smell is just a natural emission of older skin." GW: "Oh, that’s a relief. I always thought something was wrong with Grammy because she’s so stinky. So it’s normal that she smells that way?" SMA: "Either that or she crapped herself. It’s not like I know your Grammy personally." * * * * GW: "We have a question from Benny Dawkins of Walla Walla, WA. He would like to know: ‘Why does everything suck?’" SMA: "Benny, not everything sucks. Just your life. For example, I’m constantly surrounded by voluptuous naked women and ignorant flunkies who rub my feet. That doesn’t suck." GW: "I’m here a lot, and I’ve never seen a single woman near you—" SMA: "You never seen single women near me since they’re all married! Yessir, I steal naked, voluptuous women away from their husbands and then I pleasure them. Oh, yes. Do I ever." GW: "When are these women here, exactly? Could you give me some of their names?" SMA: "Why aren’t you rubbing my feet?" * * * * GW: "I know that your brain can handle complex problems, but have you ever done anything to alter your mental state? Have you ever experimented with drugs?" SMA: "A while ago, I heard about huffing. You know, inhaling chemical fumes to get high. I figured I’d try it out with some rubber cement." GW: "Did you get high?" SMA: "No, my nostrils got stuck together." GW: "Anything else?" SMA: "Let’s see. I’d never advocate the use of drugs, but I thought I’d dabble just to see. I tried marijuana. And a little LSD. I even tried crystal meth. The I tried angel dust, ether, heroin, Nyquil, qualudes, steroids, crack, opium, hashish, cocaine, nitrous oxide, morphine, Ecstasy, and magic mushrooms. But I decided I don’t need those drugs. I get high on life." GW: "Wow, you never got addicted to anything?" SMA: "I got addicted to knowledge, man. And you can pick that up at your local library." * * * * GW: "Word has gotten out that you’re something of a film buff. Betty Waltzer of Los Angeles wants a film recommendation from THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE. She writes: ‘If you were trapped on a deserted island for the rest of your life and could only have one movie with you, what would it be?’" SMA: "Hmm, that’s tough. I guess it’s have to be Anal Vixens VII." GW: "What? With all the world’s films, you’d pick a porno as mankind’s best production?" SMA: "I didn’t say it was the best, but if I’m alone on an island for the rest of my life, I’d want to, you know … Hey, how many times can you watch Citizen Kane, anyway?" * * * * GW: "Next, we have a health question. People today measure carbs, cholesterol, and fat grams. With health in mind, what is the best thing for people to order on their pizzas?" SMA: "To increase stamina, revitalize muscle tissue, and lower the risk of heart disease … the best thing someone could order on a pizza is a buck naked, twenty-year-old sex worker. That’s my personal favorite, and my health is excellent!" GW: "Gee, and all this time I’ve been ordering olives…" * * * * GW: "With your high-powered brain, I get nervous around you. Does your super brain make you psychic?" SMA: "Well, I’m not psychic, per se, but I can predict people’s thoughts and actions with logic. For example, pick a number between one and ten." GW: "Okay." SMA: "You are now thinking of a number between one and ten." GW: "Amazing! He’s right, folks!" SMA: "I now predict that you will fetch me a sandwich." GW: "No, actually, I wasn’t planning to.." SMA: "You will when you realize that you must fetch me a sandwich or I’ll kill you with my bare hands." GW: "Yikes! Right again!" * * * * GW: "There’s lots of hype lately about alternative exercise, and Jenny Holcamp from San Diego, CA, asks: ‘Dear THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE, a new video program claims to melt pounds and only involve breathing exercises. Are breathing exercise programs healthy?’" SMA: "Glad you asked, Jenny. Experts scoff about breathing programs, but it’s excellent for your health to keep breathing." * * * * GW: "Here’s a suitably smart question for a wise guy such as yourself. Was Yogi Bear really smarter than the average bear?" SMA: "Intelligence is difficult to measure. Plus, what type of bear? The Berenstain Bears appear to have more wisdom since they always learn important lessons about life to share with the audience. And, in terms of breeding numbers, the Beanie Baby bears are much more virile when it comes to copulating and populating than ol’ Yogi ever was. But by looser standards, the Machiavelli of Jellystone Park did outwit the ranger and steal many a pic-a-nic basket." GW: "And real bears?" SMA: "While Yogi might have seemed smarter since he’d mastered English and walking upright, his show really, really sucked."  © All material found on www.gregwright.info is copyright protected by Greg Wright and may not be reproduced or used in any way without his express, written permission. Thank you.